Wednesday, October 20, 2010

2.25 Boundaries

After a long day at school, Hayden managed to get over from mourning phase to grief state. Acceptance and moving on was hard to grasp, but she's doing her best on making it work out. There was no point to continue moping about the cycle of life.

Not hearing a word from her the whole day, Helmut eventually gave Hayden a call in the evening, saying he'll drop by before he head back to Twinbrook.

"I just want you to know that you're still young, and that there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed," her mom had given her the talk before Helmut came by. "Anyhow, we're not against you having your heart's desire. So you have to be responsible for yourself."

She figured her family had definitely seen her scene with Helmut last night, and might have misunderstood that she was having something special with the boy.

"I know, mom. It's okay," she assured her. "There's nothing between us. I was just a little... emotional. That's all. - It was totally nothing."

Upon saying that, Hayden received a soft gaze from her mom. The one that says 'I still love you, no matter what'. Or was it the 'I want what's best for you' look?

Actually, she can't tell what it is.

"Even so," her mom continued. "Remember that your dad and I will always be there for you to fall back on."

"Mom, it's not like I'm gonna break my heart tonight," Hayden's reply was drowned by the sound of a cab's engine that just arrived.

Helmut came out shortly, greeting Ashton first.

"Good evening, Mrs. V," he said.

"Good evening, Helmut," Ashton replied before walking into the house. "Would you like to have a drink later?"

"Uhm, no thanks, Mrs. V," he refused politely. "I'll be heading back soon anyway."

"So, Heidi, feelin' better today?" he greeted her casually. And it made her realized that it had been a long time since she actually talked to him.

Last night? Well, last night wasn't actually casual. In fact, she didn't know what last night was like. It was still surreal to her that Helmut suddenly appeared out of nowhere when he heard what happened.

"I'm fine," she said. "Thank you."

She found herself tongue tied for no reason. She wanted to say something but she lost her train of thoughts because...

Helmut was standing right in front of her. The changed Helmut! He was more pleasant for her eyes than when he was just in the pictures.

It was too dark in the cemetery last night that she didn't really notice how he looked like. Plus, her eyes were watery blurred at that time too. So she really can't believe what she's seeing right now.

"Cool," he responded. "Y'know, I dropped by at our old school today and -

He was talking but she wasn't listening.

She was so distracted by his thin lips moving, his straight white teeth, and that defined jawline that was not so prominent back when he was a little boy.

And he somehow had ditched his signature glare for a more droopy gaze. Hayden also realized this is the first time she actually looked into his eyes. Ever!

She find herself slightly melting under his hazel eyes.

"Hey, Heidi?" he motioned closer. "You okay there?"

"Uh, yes," she was startled, secretly hoping he didn't notice she was practically ogling him. "I-I'm fine. Yes, I'm fine."

"We'd better sit down," he gestured, feeling unconvinced. "You don't look fine to me."

And just as they had nestled on the porch's couch, Helmut opened his mouth.

"So... Uhm, about last night - ," he didn't manage to finish because Hayden immediately interrupted.

"Oh! Last night? I'm so sorry," she exclaimed and smiled nervously. "Whatever happened last night, please just forget about it. I... - "

Helmut's expression changed. His brows came together in a slight frown.

"It was stupid of me getting my emotions all mixed up like that," she continued. "I mean, I just lost my godmother, was in a denial state, and practically gave up on everything under the sun, and then - "

"And then I showed up and ruined your perfect devastation, is that it?" he finished for her, somewhat angered.

"Was that what you wanted to forget?" he went on. "That it was stupid of me to at least try to make you feel better?"

She sighed.

"No..." she finally contradicted herself, and for that, she was embarrassed to look at him. "I'm glad you came. Really."

He listened.

"It's just..." she tried to keep her thoughts together. "I kept thinking about you since last night, and I don't know why it hurts so bad. Hurts more than when I was grieving for Martha."

"I feel so guilty," she heaved another sigh. "That my wanting her to come back was replaced by not wanting you to go. - Gosh! You know what? I don't know what I'm saying let's just forget -"

"Say no more," Helmut leaned towards her and pulled her body close to him.

"Helmut, wait -" but she didn't manage to finish her sentence.

He was too fast.

And that lip lock took all her troubles away.

"Helmut..." she slowly pulled back, meeting his eyes. "What do you think of me?"

"Well..." he paused, pulling her close to him once again. "You're the best thing that had ever happened to me since the Buddy System."

There was a playful smirk on his face. Hayden finally saw something that was familiar to her, except it wasn't as threatening as it used to be.

"But I was your assigned buddy," she chuckled.

"Exactly," he looked her deep in the eyes. "Which is why I want us to stop playing buddies, and be my girlfriend already. - I hate what the teacher labeled us. But I'm gonna hate you more if you don't make me your boyfriend."

"Was that supposed to be threatening?" she wanted to burst into laughter.

"Geez, I lost it, didn't I?" he had realized it too that he can't be devilish around her.

"You definitely did," she laughed anyway. Having seen this side of him was really refreshing.

Suddenly their moment was interrupted by the cab's honk.

"Look at the time," Helmut grumbled. They both stood up. "I wish I can stay longer but my friends are gonna kill me if I don't show up at the fest. You wouldn't want me to die yet, now would you?"

He was as morbid as ever but Hayden didn't give much thought into it. Her mind was on him having to leave so soon. If only time would stop for them...

"Come give your boyfriend that good bye kiss now, girlfriend," he teased.

Hayden never confirmed to give in to his so called threat. But as far as she's concerned, she wanted it all the same.

Nothing was declared that night.

And after he left, Hayden felt more emptier than she could ever imagine. Seems like a part of her left together with him.

As she watched the cab's tail light vanished out of sight, she can't help but missing Helmut already. She wish she could just ignore that yearning but she can't.

Yes, nothing was declared that night.

Yet, it was pretty clear that they both had crossed over the boundary of friends.